Have you ever being called paranoid?

Yeah I do. Well, lets just say, I am paranoid bout people cheating behind my back and stuff. And my pet peeves is not knowing. I dont like not knowing. I dont like knowing stuff that I am supposed to be the one to know first from someone who hold no significant in that particular situation.

You know what? When I feel something is weird, my instinct kicks in so strong. But I am a pleaser. I will pretend to not know the truth until I cant even take it anymore where I will explode, burning everyone in tongues of angered-flame.

Why cant everyone just say out what they are doing? why do they have to hide in bushes of lies that is so transparent? dont they realise that this will only hurt more than console.

argh.. you hate questioning you say.. what if you found out that I lied? you bombard me with question. see.. what I am feeling maybe, just maybe is the same as the one you felt before!!!

I am so angry but I cant blurt out anything. I am tired of fighting. Just so tired. But then, if I ever hold this grudge in me any longer. I will get physical. I maybe small but when adrenaline rush, nothing can stop me!!!

Just tell me okay. Tell me why do you do it. You know the stories clash with each other. How can you be happy when your family is being bashed? How can you walk around being in denial?

Lets just ignore. Ignore everything. Pretend everything is fine. Kiss and make up.

I was just surfing the net while facebook-ing when I actually came across this quiz about personality. It was quite long. I forgot how many question that I went through. It was harder than our mission statement. So this is my result.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	Low
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	Low
Dependent Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

To me, this is quite accurate (it took me merely ten seconds to spell accurate as it is 3.33 in the morning when i drafted this.)

Okay, speaking of 3.33. This reminds me of the Crime Scene Investigation series that I was so loyal to, when I was back home with astro shoved in my face. The investigator was actually being followed or something. So every morning at 3.33 am, he will get a call that will last for a minute until 3.34 am.

Can somebody tell me what actually happened there?

What makes you tick?

What is your main motive in getting something done?

Lately, I've been experiencing some stuff. Well, some are not mine, so I can’t really blog bout it. I am a perfectionist, I get my job done, but I will take all my sweet time in getting it done. I’ve been criticised on the speed of doing it, I was once labeled a tortoise ( try to pronounce it as thor-tho-ice). It hurts but I took it as something to improve myself.

Does ego contributes as one of the motivation in doing something?

Do you actually do something, only someone complains bout it? Fear of letting someone who is in your circle know bout you, the real you that you hide underneath those thick skin. The ‘you’ that doesn’t do laundry, and expect somebody else to do it for you, or be with someone who would actually do it for you, for FREE! The ‘you’ that everyone hates so much that you need to have a split personality in front of every single person.

Do you really want to portray an image that is out of your own league? Trying so hard to create a lovable image, is that you?

As much as I want to deny it, but I do actually care bout what people think bout me. Sometimes I over-analysed or over think bout what I wear, how I carry myself, well basically everything. I hate to think that I actually let everyone decides what am I going to eat and stuff, or how my body supposed to look like, to shape like.

P/S: Concentrated of different feelings and emotions. Mind this entry as it looks like just a string of words that doesn’t make sense.

I am trying to put my emotions ( anger, sadness, joy and everything that you can think of) in words. Solid words with strong meaning. The way I am being treated today (well, part of it) is Un-Acceptable for me.

If I want to make a hooh-hah with this "thing" I'm facing, I am so going to win, BIG time. I am serious, But still, what am I thinking of.. I am just SOME employee in SOME place. Well, it wasn't just some place for me before this until some shit happens to me. What shit you may say, herm.... back stabbed? Checked. Hurt? Checked. Back stabbed? check. Yeah. I got back stabbed one too many times. I may sounds like I am twisting someone's word, believe me, its not. Its my way of procrastinating this situation.

I really really like the quote, "Treat others as you want others to treat you." Somebody backfired me by saying, what I want from others might not be the same as what others want from me. Lets make it simple for some noobs in life ( I am not a GURU or something but common sense is still in check), do you want me to respect you? Do you want to have a mutual understanding? Give and take you will say. Sayang, that is treat others as you want to be treated. People give, you take. You give, people take la. Or, you would rather a situation like er, You give, I take joyfully. You need a favor? Go f#%k yourself. Do you prefer like that? Well, if you do, tell me straight to my face. I will give you a special treatment of those.

Oh yeah, and one more, "what goes around comes back around".. No, its not the Justin Timberlake song with Scarlett Johansson in it. That's not it. Someone told me before that the quote is very famous in Buddha teaching. To think about it, its really true right? You treat me like shite, someday someone will treat you like shite. That's the only thing that is keeping me strong right now. The thought of you kena the same thing like what you did to me, thats satisfy me. Sounds like a sick fetish right?

Sigh. I really want to let out everything but I have to filter some PNC information. Scared of the fact that I am going to be sued or something. Or worst. Sigh Sigh Sigh...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Lets talk bout something happy. I've had enough of the sarcasm and bullshites today ( only for today, tomorrow is another day to be procrastinated.)

My dad bought me a ring. Yes a ring to tie me down. At least that is what my mom says. I dont get the meaning yet.. But herm.... its nice right? with the bling. Okay, to be frank. I am not a ring person. So not. I am more to a necklace and bracelet person. I am a very clumsy. So, with a ring, I feel like my movement is being limited to just a few things. I don't know. Maybe I am just so not to used to it.

Single ladies,put a ring on it. I am not single but I am definitely going to keep this ring. Hey.. My dad bought it for me 'kay. I've lost the pendant that my mom bought for me when I entered my college. I am scared to tell her thought, I love that thing very much. I ,lost it during one of the hectic night outs that I've had. Yeah.. Kinda regret it



*************

Soon, I will tell you more on all those quotes that keeps me alive till the day that I die.

Thoughts of dying
thoughts of ending life
thought of starting all over again
runs through my mind
every single word you said
every little thing you uttered
every sentence you whisper
race through my mind

am i the one for you?
are you the one for me?
im missing you
as life is getting bitter

'' wo men de ai, guo le bu zai hui lai''

yeah. this might mean everything.
its never coming back
never