Let go!
A part of you says
But how
How can you let go
Of the love of your life
When another part of you
Is telling you
To hold on

I’m smothered
By my own self
By my choices given
Am I going to fail?

My mind and my heart
Is battling in me
Will I be shuddered?
Will I be damaged?
From this combat
Of my own
A battle beneath my skin

No! No! No!
I won’t let it take over me
Won’t let it torn me apart
Won’t let it poison my body
I won’t..

I will have faith
Have faith in Him
He will lead me
I know

Day one

Its 29 of May and I felt that it was still early to go back to kampung and prepare for the Gawai celebration. I was quite reluctant to go back but it’s a family gathering as well. Besides, I didn’t go back last year since I was studying in Labuan Matriculation College. The reason I was hesitant because the next day is going to be my friend’s or my sister’s birthday. I wanted to be there for her. Though not physically be there.

When we reached home (kampung), my dad told us that our cousins is having some dinner which we need to attend. So, I took my bath then we went to the ceremony. I was the only one who is eager to go.

We spent the night in my dad’s kampung. So, I have the chance to text my friend. My sister! I spent the time texting her. I missed her so much. It’s been a month since we last met.

I slept around twelve after all the tossing and turning. Haha. Is it obvious im missing someone?

Day two

The first thing I did in the morning was…. Nope! U guessed it wrong if u say I texted someone. I took a drink, then I texted my sister, a birthday wish for her. She is happy but I’m not happy enough. She spent her time with me on my birthday. I appreciated that.

We spend the next three hours texting each other. Around noon, we drove back to my mom’s kampung. I spent 1 hour or so in the pool. And now I’m having a quite severe headache. Maybe it’s from the heat and the constant traveling that we had since few days back. Sigh.

My aunt and my mom went cooking for long hours just now. Like a really long one. they cooked the babi, itik and ayam. Lol. Yeah, I didn’t lend a hand. I’m not so helpful, since I need to send a lot of things to my grandma and uncle and aunty. So, I was on the road all the time. I wasn’t driving my dad’s car though. I, erm……, drove my granddad’s dirt bike. Kidding! It’s his motorcycle.

Another day passed by. Another three days to go. Or maybe four, who knows.

p/s: I’m having a fever too. And it seems like my allergy is coming back. My mom says that it comes because I ate a lot of pork. But it was there since yesterday, I think.


Day three

Today, I spent the whole day at home without going anywhere. I took a so called swim in the morning, and then had lunch. My granddad doesn’t have Astro, so my sibs and I watch some movie on the VCD. I think we watched Aeon Flux. That’s my guess coz I slept after half an hour then woke up ten minutes before it ended. I think it’s quite nice so im going to watch it again later. The VCD wasn’t mine so I’m going to copy the entire movie so that I can watch it during my free time. The movie itself is quite futuristic. I love it. I love Aeon’s suit.

Tomorrow’s going to be the “Gawai” day. Everyone except me had waited so long for this day to come. I am such a drama queen. I’m not so excited since I didn’t celebrate it last year.

My mom says that we are going to my grandma’s house later tonight. Sigh.. I hope this is for real. Lol

* * * * * * * * * * *

Yeah! Went to kampung at around eight at night, few of my aunts are there. There is my aunt that I’m quite close with cos our age difference is only six years away. She invited me to spend the night at the kampung but I didn’t have any transport to go back home the next day. I said to her that I’’m going to spend the night there tomorrow.

So much for the Gawai eve. There are nothing going on actually in our kampung but there is a thing that is going on in another kampung. In Mentung Merau. i tried to put a link. if i failed to do so, im gonna need help on that.

Day four

Today, 1st June is the Gawai day celebration for our ethnic, bidayuh. I ’celebrated’ this special day with a special thing going on in my body. I’m having my period. I’m so tired now. My back is aching; downstairs’ department is not having a good time too. Sigh. What a good way to celebrate Gawai huh. No wonder my mind keeps telling me that I’m not going to have a nice Gawai. Lol

It’s only 12 o clock and I’m writing these already. I can’t wait till I can go to somewhere I can get my pad. Lol. A drama queen in me is having a hard time here. 

* * * * *

I went to kampung earlier. First thing first, I got my pad as soon as I got off the car. Lol. Then we went to my cousin’s house. Then back home cos we are expecting my uncle to go to our ‘cribs’ later. Lol. Well, that’s just it. That’s all I do today.

Day five

Another day goes by with no highlights for me. But for my family, the highlight is yet a really huge one. The family of my late nek usu came by, all the way from asajaya. My late nek usu is a muslim by faith. He passed away at a young age. He left widow, a son and two daughters. The son looks a lot like his late father. My family was drifted away with their own feelings. I didn’t have the chance to actually meet him. All the memories that I had bout him is me sending him to the grave yard. I’ve tried hard, but that’s the only image that comes by. Sadness glooms us, but none of us let the feeling triumph it. We are so happy that they actually came to kampung. There is no need to shed our tears. Right?

My granddad was so happy when he heard bout them coming. He was speechless when he saw the son of late nek usu. He said it was as if he saw his brother in front of him again.

My late nek usu passed away because of heart attack. That’s what I heard from my mum and my aunt. It’s really sad. I never got the chance to store any memories with him. I never saw his picture before. But there is this image that lingers in my mind. This day, I got the chance to actually his son (which my mom says looks like him). And I was surprised; he resembles the image in my mind. Is this a dejavu? This image lingers in me for years!

Later today, we are going to my dad’s kampung again. One of my cousins is having a wedding on Sunday. This cousin of mine was once a bisex. She decided to move on after a few years. Good for her. We went to her house at around ten at night. I met my ex-classmate there who is also my cousin. Lots of things were updated last night. I was so out of date. 

Day six

We went back to Kuching today. We all were still tired that we actually slept in the car.

Well, that’s just it. A diary of …